A Horrible Self Insertion

Today in Ponyville the streets were bustling with noise. It was market time, and so most of the town was out enjoying the sunny day. Suddenly, from the center of town, a bright light began to appear. All the ponies stared in aw as it grew in intensity, before it finally let out one last giant flash of light. When the crowd was able to look again, what they saw sitting on the street shocked and awed them all.

A horribly sun baked couch, now pink, sat on the cobble stone walkway with a scorch marks all around it's edges. Then, they all realized something else was on the couch. Something no pony had ever seen before. It sat in a manner that only a pony the locals knew would sit. It's back was against the back of the couch. It's rear legs ran along the cushion and down to the ground, where odd looking horse shoes covered it's... hooves?

Not one pony made a peep as the strange creature stared on into the crowd. A strange orange object was seen in one of it's hands. A plad baseball cap was on it's head, and it's clothing consisted of a red shirt and blue denim pants.

"Uh... sup?"

Immediately after it's first words the entirety of the pony mob broke apart in screams and cries of fear. Most ran for the nearest buildings or into each other, while others hid behind hay piles or under market carts. The creature on the sofa didn't move as it watched the chaos unravel before itself. Word was spread around town quickly of the strange creatures arrival, and within ten minutes six brave ponies marched towards the being on the pinkish sofa.

"Alright there you monster, get out of our town!" A cyan pegasus screamed in the creatures face.

There was the sound of a chomping muzzle, as she was quickly drawn back by a orange earth pony.

"Easy there sugarcube. We dunno know if it means us any harm, 'n yer not helping actin' like that."

"I'm not a monster," the creature said in protest.

"Girls, we need to tackle this calmly," a purple unicorn began, then turned to a yellow pegasus hiding behind herself, "Fluttershy, any idea what it is?"

"I'm a human."

"I'm, um, not sure," the yellow mare quietly spoke, before diving back behind her own pink mane.

"Well, whatever it is it has startled the entire town," a white unicorn added, looking over the strange creature, "And my my, what a sad looking wardrobe it's wearing. Jeans with an red shirt? Oh please. And just look at that tacky couch it's sitting in."

"I said I'm a human, and what's wrong wi-."

"I don't care what it is, but if it don't get it's rear outta here I'm gonna give it a reason to leave," the cyan pegasus said, trying to once again get into the creatures face.

"Girls, please, we need to remain calm. We might startle it," the purple mare added as she drew from a saddle bag a large book.

"I'm calm if that's what you're wondering. I think it's you who is-"

"I'm not finding anything remotely close to it's species in my "Encyclopedia to all creatures you may or may not recognize", fourth edition,"

"Hey Twilight, look, it's shirt says somethin'. Can ya decipher it?"

"It says-" the creature began.

"Hm, I think it says 'I put Ketchup on my Ketchup', what does that even mean?"

"That I really like ketchup."

"Is it some sort of code?" the white unicorn questioned, still straining her eyes at the sofa's existence.

"Are any of you even listening to me?"

"Maybe we can jus' ask it ta leave?" the orange mare asked, stepping forward, "HELLO THERE. WE DON'T MEAN YOU ANY HARM. WE JUS' WOULD LIKE TA KNOW WHY YER HERE."

"Jesus, you don't have to yell," the creature said in agony, covering it's ears.

"NO, MAH NAME'S APPLEJACK!"

"Girls, I think we are over our heads with this one," the purple mare began, "Sure, Nightmare Moon and Discord were tough opponents, but I fear it's going to take more than our Elements of Harmony alone to deal with this threat."

"Wait, I'm a threat?"

"Do we contact Princess Celstaia?"

"No, you don-"

"Yes, I think we must. It's apparent it won't leave our town without force, and it's strange pinkish and yet horribly ugly seating apparatus looks suspicious."

"It's a couch. And it wasn't always pink. It got-"

"NOW LISTEN HERE YOU," the cyan pegasus finally broke away from the orange pony, and got right into the creatures face once more, "YOU BEST LEAVE OUR TOWN OR I'LL MAKE YOU LEAVE MYSELF."

The creature rose an eye brow, looking oddly to the pony in it's face, "Uh, sure, go for it."

The creature then placed it's free hand on top of the orange object it had been holding onto. Then, a loud crackle echoed throughout the entire market place.

"DASH! Look what you've done, you've angered it. Now it's arming it's weapon! Quick, get out of there before it attacks you!" Twilight screamed, readying her horn to defend her friend.

Dash backed away without a word as she continued to glare at the creature before she and her friends. The creature shook it's head, and raised the orange object to it's mouth.

"What's it doin'?" the orange mare asked.

The creature lowered the object, "I'm having a drink. I'm thirsty."

"It must be some sort of enhancing liquid to boost it's strength. We don't have much time girls."

"It's Sunksit."

Suddenly, the being began to create a sound from it's mid section.

"OH NO, WE'RE TOO LATE. QUICK, RUN!"

All five mares scattered, taking some sort of cover where they could.

Belch

"Excuse me."

"Is it... over?" the white unicorn spoke first, peaking her head from behind a wagon.

"I'm not sure," the yellow pegasus spoke from beside her.

"We must contact the princess quick, before it does something else that is more catastrophic than that!"

From a distance, all five mares talked and planned out a strategy to get rid of the strange creature that occupied a ugly looking sofa and drinking a soda pop.

"Well, I never thought this was how it would all go down."

"You and me both."

The creature looked to it's left, and sitting beside it in a similar manner on the sofa was a bright pink pony.

"Oh, hey Pinkie Pie."

"Oh, coolio! You know my name!"

"Yea, I know all your names."

"That's funny, I know everypony's name also!"

"Yea, you do. So, uh, are the others gonna be ok?"

"Oh, don't worry about them. They're just being silly fillies."

"Hey, want a drink?" the human offered another orange object which had been sitting beside it.

"Sure, I'd love one."

The creature opened the can and handed it to the pink mare.

"PINKIE! DON'T DRINK THAT!" Twilight shouted, using her magic in an attempt to tug the can out of her grip.

Using powers that only Pinkie could have, she managed to resist, shaking the can vigorously until the entirety of it spewed out from the top in a massive geyser.

"SEE PINKIE?" Twilight shouted, "IT WAS GOING TO ATTACK YOU!"

Pinkie, sensing no danger once the foam subsided, shrugged and downed the entire can of now-ruined soda in one massive gulp.

"Mmm, that's good."

There was a loud and aggravated moan from the purple mare as she returned to the others.

"Yes, it is," the creature agreed.

"Hey, you want some cookies, or cupcakes? I make 'em reeeeeal goooooood."

"Why does this sound like it would result in my imminent death?" the not-pony thought, as it's face gave off an expression of slight familiarity.

The creature shuddered as it's mind filled with horrors best left unexplained, "Uh, I'll pass on the cupcakes. The cookies sound nice though."

So the creature stood up, stretched followed by a groin scratch, then followed the bouncing pink mare into Sugarcube Corner where they enjoyed some tasty treats and Sarsaparilla. Later, the princess arrived with 10,000 troops to deal with the threat. Lucky for the creature, it was sent back home with a severe scolding about breaking the fourth wall. The couch was banished to the moon for being so ugly, and Pinkie Pie now sells a new line of soda pop called Sunkist in Equestria.